


Ghost boy

by pinkjuulpod



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This kinda sucks, Tsukishima too, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric, i might have cried while writing this, vent fic, yamaguchi wears eyeliner
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkjuulpod/pseuds/pinkjuulpod
Summary: Yamaguchi wants to die, and he's ready to do it, when he meets a tall blonde who wears red eyeliner and also wants to die.Two suicidal boys who unconsciously save each other.please read tags for triggers, it talks abt suicide a lot so if that bothers you please don't read this fic !!
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. i like your makeup

**Author's Note:**

> Yamaguchi meets someone he really likes.
> 
> english is not my first language so pls don't be too mean if there are some words that sound funny

Yamaguchi was sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes puffy from crying and shaking hands. He was so done, done with his life, done with his family, but most importantly, done with himself.

Was this it? He had already planned how to kill himself, he had 4 different suicide notes and a 5th one he had been writing the night before but he didn’t feel like finishing. He could just use one of the other four ones. Getting one of the notes; placing it on his desk, cleaning his room, putting on a nice outfit and killing himself in the bathtub. “Hannah Baker style” he thought, his own joke making him giggle a bit despite the tears and snot on his face. 

His thoughts were cut off by his door opening suddenly, his mother standing in the doorframe and looking at him with disgust, she had just woken up. 

“Fuck, Tadashi” she spit “Crying again? What? Did you have a nightmare or something?”

If only she knew. Yamaguchi just nodded, lying to her face. His mother didn’t care anyway, if he told her that he wanted to kill himself she would just tell him to be productive and not be on his phone all day, followed by a lecture about how dirty his room is and how he just locks himself in his room and does nothing all day. That’s just how his mother viewed things.

“Well you have to go to school so wash your face and brush your hair, you look disgusting” 

He nodded again and saw his door close, he wanted to go back to crying, but his energy was so drained that he just stood up and started to put on his uniform slowly and carefully, face numb and head pounding.

This was nothing new to Yamaguchi, his mother everyday woke him up with a loud bang on his door and some random insults just to find out that he was already awake, and, most of the times, crying. He told her that he was having nightmares and she believed it easily, she wasn’t worried for him at all. Sure, his mother gave him a roof, food, paid the bills and for his education at a good school, but she never actually cared about him, they were practically strangers. Tadashi knew nothing about her, and his mother only knew that he liked rock because of the posters on his wall and the way he dressed, but that was it.

She didn’t know that her son was gay, she didn’t know that he didn’t have any friends, she didn’t know that her son was an artist, and most importantly, she didn’t know that Yamaguchi wanted to kill himself.

Yamaguchi didn’t blame her, though. His dad passed away when he was about 5 years old, and his stepdad lived in Tokyo where he also worked. She had nothing but this son who didn’t talk to her and spent the whole day in his room painting weird things. They were both people who had been through a lot living together and coping in completely different, unhealthy ways.

When he finished putting on his clothes, he went to the bathroom, washed his face, combed his hair and brushed his teeth, just like he did each morning. Then he put on eyeliner, trying to smudge it and adding red eyeshadow to his eyelid. His haircut and his stupid antenna made him look so adorable, so he tried to contrast that with his eye makeup.

He put on a choker and fishnet gloves. He liked his outfit. Even though he hated himself and his personality, Yamaguchi considered that he had a good sense of style. His classmates and his mother, however, didn’t think the same.

He grabbed some money from his messy desk, his backpack and his phone and left without eating breakfast or saying goodbye. He thought breakfast was the grossest meal of the day, anyway. When he checked his phone, he noticed it was almost 8 o’clock, so he pulled out a cigarette and lighted it; he still had time before school started. He had stolen the cigarettes from his mother, and he smoked one every time he didn’t feel like eating, it was unhealthy, he knew it, but he’d be dead really soon so he just focused on inhaling the smoke and letting it out, enjoying it like it was the last time he’d smoke.

When he arrived to his school, he threw away what was left of the cig and walked in with his hands on his pockets, everyone still giving him funny looks even though he changed his style months ago, “mind your fucking business” he thought.

He entered his classroom and sat down on his chair, decided to pull out his sketchbook and doodle through the entire class, when the teacher’s voice caught his attention.

“Today we’ll have a new student joining us, he just transferred from Tokyo.”

Tadashi looked up and saw a really big person. A tall boy with short blonde hair, glasses and headphones hanging from his neck. “Wow” Yamaguchi thought. The teacher told the new boy to write his name on the board, and Tadashi watched him write the name “Tsukishima Kei” in small letters, which were almost unreadable for him, who was sitting in the back of the classroom.

“My name is Tsukishima Kei, I’m from Tokyo and that’s pretty much it.” he said in a bored tone, Yamaguchi thought he was making a joke like one of those annoying popular dudes, but when some people laughed and Tsukishima didn’t react at all, he knew he was not.

He liked him.

He sat next to Yamaguchi due to the teacher’s orders, the green haired boy just kept doodling on his sketchbook, trying his best to seem unimpressed at the new student when in reality, he really wanted to talk to him.

“I like your makeup.” Tsukishima said suddenly. Yamaguchi was surprised at the comment, coming from someone who seemed so cold minutes ago and who was now complimenting the makeup he had on. He turned around to look at him and he saw a little bit of red eyeliner on the corner of Tsukishima’s eye, so light it was almost unperceivable, but it was there.

“I like yours, too.” Tadashi responded, and he smiled. A small, but honest smile.

Maybe having math and 8:30 in the morning on a Monday wouldn’t be so bad, after all.


	2. you're faking it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi didn't feel like going to school and his mother comes home earlier than he'd expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating :( i was having a block but last night i felt inspired again and wrote a couple of chapters, will be posting them in the next few days! anyways enjoy this (or not)

It had been three days since Yamaguchi met Tsukishima.

They didn’t speak to each other since that day, but Yamaguchi was already lost for the blonde.

Why was he like this? One compliment towards his eyeliner and he was head over heels for someone he didn’t even know well. In his defense, Tsukishima was attractive. He was tall, around 6’1 or 6’2, Yamaguchi estimated. He had pretty hazel eyes that combined well with his unusual color of eyeliner and his hands, strong with long fingers that could choke him any sec-

When he realized what he was thinking about, he buried his face in his pillow. “Fucking horny shit” he said out loud. He had this habit of talking to himself when there was no one around him to hear. In his opinion, it was kind of therapeutic.

Tsukishima didn’t talk to anyone at school. Not because he was bullied or anything like that, he just didn’t like people, or at least, that’s what Yamaguchi guessed. He couldn’t read Kei, no matter how hard he tried.

“He’s really strange.”

Yamaguchi was the last person to judge him, though. Tadashi was also strange, he was the typical kid who had shitty parents and ended up being some kind of social reject. Yamaguchi knew it, he knew that he was a walking cliché, the person who dressed in black and had no friends, who doodled in his notebooks and smoked for breakfast, and he was okay with it. He didn’t do it to stand out or seek attention, no matter how many times his mother told him that he was an attention seeker.

He just wanted to feel pretty. His messy makeup and clothes made him feel pretty, or at least prettier than he felt a few months ago. He wasn’t attractive to other guys, but he felt hot, and that’s what mattered to him.

That day Yamaguchi didn’t go to school, his mother left earlier and he took the opportunity to stay in bed, his motivation wasn’t enough to change his clothes and wash himself when there wasn’t anyone telling him to do it, so he just didn’t.

He heard the door. His mother was back home from work.

“Shit.” He didn’t think his mother would be back so soon, in that moment he was supposed to be in 5th period, but instead he was lying in bed staring at the ceiling listening to music in low volume. His mother was going to kill him.

He tried to be as quiet as possible so she didn’t notice he was there, but a slight creak of his bed gave his presence away.

“Tadashi?!” a loud scream from downstairs made his eyes widen. He was totally screwed.

He heard loud footsteps on the stairs, each one of them resonating on his hears and making his heart beat faster, and his body unable to move. He only could squeeze his blanket in his fist. He was so, so scared. Terrified of his own mother.

Another loud bang on the door of his room, similar to the ones he hears when he wakes up in the morning, but with more force and… anger.

“Why are you here and not in school?!” he tried to pretend he was just waking up as his mother yanked the sheets that were covering him, dropping them on the floor, Tadashi rubbed his eyes and yawned falsely so she wouldn’t be too harsh on him, maybe give him a lecture and a few screams and leave him alone after. _Please, please leave now_ Yamaguchi said in his head, the fear still in his brain and pulse.

“I j-just woke up”

“Fucking liar!”

One slap, two slaps, three, four… Yamaguchi lost count after that. The tingling sensation on his cheeks turning into pain quickly, as well as tears forming in his eyes. She had one of her hands on Yamaguchi’s green locks, holding and pulling harshly so he wouldn’t move, and the other slapping both of his cheeks with inhuman force. He tried to stop her with his hands, but he could only grab her forearms tightly, this doing nothing to stop her. Tears running down his cheeks, he felt like everything slowed down for a few seconds, his whole body weak.

When his mother finally stopped, she closed the door of his room and went downstairs again, like nothing at all had happened.

Yamaguchi was left crying, holding his right cheek softly with one hand trying to ease the pain, his other hand rubbing the back of his head, where his mother was pulling his hair only seconds ago. He stared blankly at his door, not believing what had just happened. There was no way. No way his mom put him through such pain for that long. No way she had walked out and left without saying a word. That wasn’t happening. There was no way, _no way…_

His body curled, his legs against his chest, making himself small. He started to sob, tears flowing down his face more rapidly, his heart aching. Minutes ago he was thinking of his new classmate, and now he was helplessly sobbing against his own knees as the pain just incremented.

There it was again. That feeling he had felt almost every night since his stepdad left him and his mom alone. The feeling that nothing made sense at all. The feeling of being ready to die.

Deep in his thoughts and sobs, a voice crossed his mind. It was a soft voice, but it made him visibly shiver with what it said to him.

“You’re faking it. You’re faking all of this.”

And the voice wasn’t wrong. He only felt like killing himself when he fought with his mother, so what did that make him, more than a brat? Someone who doesn’t want to do anything, who disobeys and slacks around all day and then cries when things go wrong, and wants to die to escape it. He was just a fucking brat. An attention seeker. He just didn’t want consequences. Yamaguchi Tadashi was a piece of human garbage, who also happened to be suicidal. He knew why his mother didn’t like him, as well as his classmates or the rest of his family. He knew why no one liked him, he was just a piece of shit who would die soon.

_And everything would be better after he died_ , Yamaguchi thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one hurt a bit, sorry for putting Yams through so much :(


End file.
